Do Not Worry

Anxiety. Joy. Worry. Trust. 

Do not be anxious about your life. 

Those are Jesus’s direct words, recorded in Matthew chapter 6. Not, Do not be anxious about your health. or Do not be anxious about passing a test. or Do not be anxious about the choices your children make. He said, “Do not be anxious about your life.” That’s all-encompassing! He goes on to say that we shouldn’t even worry about what we will eat and drink or if we will have clothes to wear. The very basics to simply remaining alive, and Jesus tells us not to worry about it! 

Thankfully, I’ve never had to experience not having food, water, or clothing…I’ve never even had to think about not having any of those things. Most of us haven’t. I believe Jesus was talking directly to the disciples in these verses. They probably actually had a worldly reason to be anxious about having food, water, clothing…even their own safety by that point in their ministry. Jesus didn’t tell them, “It’s okay to be worried about the basics of survival. Things are getting scary!” No, He told them not to be anxious. We can read through these verses and chapters where Jesus continually tried to get the disciples to stop focusing on the worldly things (food, clothing, who was the favorite, etc) and think, “Good grief, how could they be so stupid?! Why couldn’t they see who Jesus really was?! Why did He have to tell them over and over again!?” But we do the exact same thing, don’t we? We may not be anxious about having food to eat or clothes to wear, but we worry about just about everything else…passing the test, finding the right spouse, our relationships, our health, etc. Sometimes those things are scary. Sometimes those things have significant impacts on our daily lives. Certainly a cancer diagnosis can affect our day to day living; an injury can derail your daily life; failing a test can change the future you have planned; a strained relationship can cause stress. 

Jesus wasn’t insinuating that the only thing in life we will have to worry about is the basics of survival. He used the literal necessary parts of remaining alive to make a point we need to be careful not to miss: if God makes sure the birds have food and clothes creation in such beauty, how much more will He provide more than sufficiently for His beloved children? 

Look at verses 26 and 28-30:

Look at the birds of the air: 

they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, 

and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. 

Are you not of more value than they? 

And why are you anxious about clothing? 

Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: 

they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, 

even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 

But if God so clothes the grass of the field, 

which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, 

will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

Why do we doubt that God will provide for us? Why do we worry about anything when we have those verses very bluntly explaining how much God loves us?

Jesus was doing more than trying to get the disciples to understand how deeply God loved them and how He would provide for every need. He was also trying to get them to focus not on worldly things, but on the eternal. Verse 33 says:

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, 

and all these things will be added to you.

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. Not after you game plan how to fix your latest problem on your own. Not after you spend days/weeks/months/years stewing, fretting, and worrying about your health/job/family/fill-in-the-blank. Not after you seek all other options and answers. First. FIRST. Our immediate response to any fear, stress, or worry should be, “God, how can I put You first in this situation? What do you want to teach me through this trial? How can I use my hardship for Your glory?” 

Since July of 2024, life has been full of hardships and challenges for our family. Unexpected. Chaotic. Scary. Hard. We had legitimate concern for where we would live at one point (God provided). We had legitimate concern with my health (God is providing). We have legitimate concerns about one child’s health and future (God is providing). Verse 34 says:

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, 

for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. 

Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

If God provides for the birds and the fields, He will surely provide for His own children who are His image-bearers. Typing out those words is certainly a whole lot easier than living them out. When Aaron and I were sitting across from the oncologist and she said, “We are likely looking at malignancy.” that is cause for anxiety…if you have a worldly perspective. Those words were quite a shock to Aaron and me, no doubt. But what did Jesus tell His disciples? Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. No fear. No worry. Just seek God first. 

How can I keep God first as I work to remain cancer-free? Daily saturate myself in His Word. When I rise, seek Him. When I let Satan’s lies sneak in and start to worry about the future, seek Him. When I don’t think I can go another day with alllllllll the things on my plate, seek Him.

How can I glorify God alone in this? Any perceived strength on my part is wholly Him. I am weak. I take my worry and fear and anger to the cross and lay it down, then sometimes before I even turn around I’ve picked it back up again. Over and over, sometimes moment by moment, I must slay my flesh and seek God first. When I cry out, “Why me?! Why our family?!” the Holy Spirit nudges me and I realize why not me and my family?? Glory to God for allowing us to suffer and be refined and sanctified through hardships!

What does God want to teach me through this trial? There’s always plenty to learn. Plenty! Is He showing me that I have not fully surrendered my will to His? Is He showing me that I am not fully dependent on Him and His provision? He is always seeking to draw us closer to Him and sometimes the vehicle for that is suffering and trials. 

I often think of Joni Erikson Tada when I start bemoaning the hardships our family is going through. She is such a bright light of encouragement to anyone experiencing suffering of any kind. She said “Remember the kingdom of God is an upside down kingdom. God does not explain suffering with a bunch of words. He is the word made flesh. Your weakness is not a weakness. Your weakness, when you give it to God, it becomes your strength. And the weaker you are, the more the power of Jesus Christ can be displayed through you.” Imagine the pain and suffering she has experienced as a quadriplegic, and yet she still says, “I would rather be in a wheelchair and know Jesus than be on my feet without Him. Being close to Him is better than any amount of walking. And dare I say, walking just might be highly overrated!” Wow. Is that my perspective when it comes to my suffering and trials? Would I rather have this suffering and be close to Jesus, or would I rather not have any suffering and not be close to Jesus? When you put it that way, of course I would rather be close to Jesus! But that takes a substantial perspective shift. Our sinful human minds do not immediately see suffering as a means of growing ever closer to Jesus. We tend to go along our merry way, seeing Jesus as a genie in a bottle, or keeping him in our back pocket for “emergencies”, when instead He needs to be our daily food and water. We need to see Him as vital to remaining alive, just like food and water! When we keep Jesus first, seeking His kingdom and righteousness, everything else becomes less anxiety-inducing. We don’t worry about tomorrow because we have Jesus right now.

Do not be anxious about your life. Trust. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow. Joy.

What freedom is found when we can trust and be joyful because we have a Savior who loves us!

Good, good Father

It's been one year since I found a lump in my breast. That discovery set us on a path I never could've imagined...

If I hadn't found that lump, I never would've become a patient of Dr. West...never would've had such a full workup of labs & discovered I had mold toxicity...never would've discovered the mold all over our attic and crawlspace that was silently making us all sick in different ways...

Riordan Clinic

If I hadn't found that lump, my faith wouldn't be as strong, learning in a very real and raw way to fully depend on Him (definitely still learning!!).  When the rug is pulled out from under you and there is no denying that you are not, in fact, in control of anything...you can either lose your mind trying to gain control or surrender it all to Him. Some days I'm better at surrendering than others. When 95% of your belongings that you've spent years and money accumulating are sitting in a trailer because they smell like mold (and therefore I can't have them anywhere near me), you realize you really don't need a lot of those things (although the heirloom furniture, letters from Grandma Mary, and teddy bears made from Grandpa Elmer's shirts are irreplaceable...). 

If I hadn't found that lump, we would still be living in our house, oblivious to the fact that mold was causing a lot of health problems. We would be enjoying the fruits of our labors with the remodeled kitchen and the woodburning stove keeping us warm every winter. I would be cutting flowers all spring and summer from my flowerbeds to brighten our table. We would spend summer evenings chatting with the neighbors. But now, we enjoy the beauty of God's creation in new ways...sitting on the deck watching the sun set, enjoying my morning coffee watching wildlife roam across the property, listening to the birds, riding scooters late into the evening all over with no worries of who is next door or driving down the street, going for a night swim under the stars, cooling off in the pool on the hottest of days. And we still spend evenings chatting with the new neighbors ;-) My childhood dream of living in the country has come true...just not the way I thought it would!

If I hadn't found that lump, a lot of things would be different. But I still believe God is sovereign and God is good, so even the really difficult things-the hard moments/days/weeks/months-I rest in His promise to never leave me, to work all things for my good and His glory. As this song says, maybe someday I'll be able to look back and see the flowers in the valley.

Flowers by Samantha Ebert

I remain cancer free, praise God! I am still doing work and weekly treatments to get my body wholly healthy. I am thankful for where I am, where we are as a family (truly-we are all alive and that  could have very easily not been the case), for the innumerable prayers our friends and family have prayed over us, for the support we have been given at every turn--money donated to our church's fundraiser (!!), a car (!!!), a home to live in (!!!!), help with driving to appointments, help with the kids, a listening ear...so many ways everyone has been the hands and feet of Jesus. 

It has been a DOOZY of a year and I can't wait to see how God finishes this chapter of our family's story. He is a GOOD GOOD Father, no matter the ending.

Rest

 

	Wed, Jun 25, 9:29 AM (4 days ago)

“Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

God is strong when we are weak. He doesn’t get tired or weary. He doesn’t get confused by the burdens of the world. He also doesn’t expect us to get it perfectly every time we become weary and exhausted. Isaiah 40:31 days, “but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles; they will run and not be weary, they will walk and not faint.” God provides us with strength when we are weary. Enduring with faith is not usually easy, but Isaiah tells us that He has promised to be our strength. 

There are many, many nights (why are nights always the hardest?!) when I do not think I can take another step in faith, trusting God’s plan for my family. I tell God, “I can’t do this anymore. I’m so weary.” That’s when the Holy Spirit reminds me of verses like Matthew 11:28-40 and Isaiah 40:31…I don’t have to take another step on my own. I just have to surrender my will and allow the Lord to renew my strength, day after day and night after night-no matter what those days and nights bring. 

The memory verse for this week in my Bible study is 2 Corinthians 9:8. “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.” All grace. In all things. At all times. What a beautiful promise! No matter what your days and nights bring you, never forget all that the Lord has promised. His yoke is light. He will renew your strength. He will give you sufficient grace to make it through, enduring in faith that God is good & He is sovereign.

When I stop and look back on all that Anna (and our family) has been through in the last 12 months, I'm amazed at how far we have come. Anna has improved so much (though she still has a long way to go). My health, though still challenging, has improved. And every step of the way, God has been teaching me to let go. Over and over again. Let go. Trust. Trust that God is good, and whatever He is doing through all of this...He is good.

Whatever He decides to heal or not heal, whatever He decides to provide or not provide, He is still good. All glory and honor to Him alone. Any strength I have to make it through the trials we face is only from Him alone. Praise God from Whom all blessings flow!

God's Grace

 

I recently started a Bible study called Grace in Chaos: Biblical Hope for the Hard Days of Motherhood. I’ve been at this motherhood gig for almost 20 years (yikes!) and no season is the same. There’s more chaos now than when the kids were little, eating chalk and marking on the walls with sharpies. Or maybe it’s just a heavier chaos as they reach/get closer to adulthood and we deal with heavier burdens like death, health issues, and brain injuries. This study is reminding me that in all seasons of motherhood (and just life in general), we have hope in the Gospel.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I should see each challenge, each difficulty, each time I want to scream and pull out my hair…as an opportunity to glorify Christ and His strength through my weakness. As this study points out, “There is HOPE for every difficult emotion in Christ! There is no part of your mothering that is beyond God’s reach.” The Gospel changes everything for motherhood (and all of life). “Because of the Gospel, we do not need to muster up enough goodwill or have enough ‘me time’ to love our children well. We can love our children out of the overflow of God’s love for us. We love others because God has loved us (I John 4:19).” 

Whatever the Lord has called you to, it has spiritual significance and therefore you will face spiritual battles. The consequences of the fall are very real, but the power of Christ’s work on the cross is also very real and far more powerful than the forces of darkness! On my most difficult days, navigating multiple doctor’s appointments, setbacks, work comp, hectic schedules, and the fear of what the future might look like for my family…I have to read 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 over and over again. His grace is enough. His power is made perfect when I am my weakest…then the power of Christ rests on me. So for His glory, I can be content with being weak, being insulted, enduring hardships and calamities. Not that I enjoy any of those things, but because of those things, the power of Christ can be revealed!

Take heart, whatever difficult season you may be in…God’s grace is enough. Saturate your heart and mind in His Word so you can be reminded every moment of every difficult day that He is your strength. 

One of my favorite hymns, Grace Greater Than Our Sin:

Marvelous grace of our loving Lord,

Grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt!

Yonder on Calvary's mount out-poured–

There where the blood of the Lamb was spilt.

Refrain:

Grace, grace, God's grace,

Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;

Grace, grace, God's grace,

Grace that is greater than all our sin!

Sin and despair, like the sea-waves cold,

Threaten the soul with infinite loss;

Grace that is greater– yes, grace untold–

Points to the Refuge, the mighty Cross.

Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace,

Freely bestowed on all who believe!

All who are longing to see His face,

Will you this moment His grace receive?

Hard Walks, Good Places

I came across this mug online. Someone was selling them as a missions fundraiser. The little quip really resonated with me, so I bought one. The back has “2 Corinthians 5:7” on it which says, "for we walk by faith, and not by sight."

Several verses from chapter 5 stuck out to me…

Verse 1 says, “For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.” Boy, hasn't our family learned this?! Our earthly home wasn't destroyed by a tornado or fire, but it was destroyed by mold. It will be made right again (it's just going to take an exorbitant amount of money!), but in the meantime we had to leave our earthly home behind. Verse 1 is a wonderful reminder that the things of earth are not eternal. Yes, it's been very hard to leave our earthly home that we lived in for 14 years (and most of our possessions) and worked so hard to make a home. But what a comfort to know that those things are not what matters most. Each of my children has an eternal home in Heaven being prepared for them because they have placed their trust in Christ as Savior! I'll give up every one of my possessions for that gift!

Verses 6 and 7 say, "So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith and not by sight." Be of good courage...that means to boldly have confidence. Confidence in what? Confidence that while we carry out the work God has for us here on earth, He is preparing an eternal home for us. A home with Him. So, we continue to walk out our God-given purpose here on earth, not because we can always see the ending or even understand the journey, but by faith because we can have bold confidence that God will never forsake us and He is preparing our eternal home in Heaven.

The walk God is taking our family on is sometimes really, really hard. Sometimes I'm not sure I can take another step! But along the walk, He has shown us some really good places-both literally and figuratively. The Ponderosa is full of beauty that we are surrounded with daily! Our church family has surrounded us with love and support. I have no idea what the earthly destination of this journey is going to be, but I know that no matter where it takes us it, it will be a good place because God is good.

Beauty in the Storm

It certainly feels like our life is a constant storm these days. Every time I think we've turned the corner, something else happens. I guess God is just making sure I remember to stay dependent on Him alone!

The MRI showed I have a complex tear of my lateral meniscus. Yes, just from standing up. Ha! I have bad knees-"knock-kneed" and hyperextended knees my whole life means they have had extra wear and tear and over the years which has just weakened things, especially on the outside of my knee. A week ago, I had Platelet-Rich-Plasma injections and started physical therapy. It feels much, much better already so we're all really praying that these two therapies will help me avoid surgery (plus all the supplements I'm already taking are helping keep inflammation at bay).

We had some decent weather a couple weeks ago, so Grace enjoyed doing her schoolwork outside so she could snuggle with Daisy!

Isaac has been on the hunt!! Papa has a bounty out on squirrels, so he keeps a sharp eye out for them!! 

It's paying off!

He watches out the picture window often, with his 22 at the ready!

Papa might need to come out of retirement if he keeps it up!

School or squirrel hunting?? ;-)

Just when I thought things were settling down for us, Grace got super sick. Pretty sure it was influenza. She had a high fever for 3 days, then a cough that hung on for weeks. Poor girl lost 4 pounds! She doesn't have any to lose!! I'm just thankful no one else got the high fever stuff. We're all trying to keep out all the loveliness going around, but I'll take a cold over a high fever any day!

Big sis brought her an orange, but as you can see Grace didn't have much of an appetite yet.

She hasn't been that sick since we figured out her food allergies. It was a loooooong 3 days! I did a lot of Raindrops on her (a technique of putting specific essential oils on her spine), LMNT electrolytes, and tepid baths with Epsom salts, baking soda, and bentonite clay. Her body fought like a champ! I'm still so thankful for all the knowledge I've gained over the years on how our bodies were designed to work, ways to naturally support them, and knowing when it's time for more than what I have in my cupboard. No fear, just knowledge and empowerment!

She did not want me to leave her side, so I spent a lot of time sitting in the recliner, doing my Bible study and trying to catch up on lost sleep when she was sleeping (why do they always get worse at night and then sleep all day?!). As chaotic as life has been, this bedroom has become quite the haven for me. It has beautiful views, I have all my plant babies by the sliding glass door...really having very little "stuff" from our house makes it feel pretty calm and tidy! I can see why Grandma wanted her desk by the bay window, where she would sit and study her Bible and pray for everyone she loved. And today, on what would have been her 96th birthday, it feels like the best place to be.

Still getting most of my IV's at home. It's not enjoyable, but at least I can be at home even if I mostly doze off while watching classic TV with Grace!

The deacons at church put on a Valentine's luncheon for our widows. Thanks to a generous donor and an excellent day-after-Valentine's sale, we were able to give each one a gorgeous bouquet!

I've been getting pretty nauseous with my IVC's, so I've done a couple at the clinic to check my levels afterward. Turns out the dosage I'm at is not enough anymore, so we upped the dose and are waiting to see if that will be enough to get my levels where my doctor wants them. Isaac came with me so he could drive me home because I knew I would NOT feel good after this one-a higher dose and being pushed so quickly (so they can get an accurate result) would leave me very tired and probably feeling pretty yucky. I was right! I got us out of rush hour traffic, and then he drove the rest of the way. He did great and I'm so thankful he's willing to drive me around!!

We got home yesterday before the nasty weather hit! We woke up this morning to bitterly cold temps (below zero windchills) and blowing snow. It hasn't stopped snowing all day! The bitter windchills are only going to continue to drop the next 2 days. I'm thankful for a warm house and big windows to enjoy the beautiful snow without having to go outside!!!

Since the windchills are supposed to reach -25 to -30 the next 2 days, the dogs get to hang out in the garage. Anna and Grace set up a posh doggy hotel, complete with old blankets & heat lamps!

 Aside from PRP and physical therapy, these two products have been AMAZING for my knee! DMSO is an incredible powerhouse for inflammation. RCO's Muscle & Joint Pain Cream is excellent for the pain that's come from not walking normally and not being able to sleep normally! On top of several anti-inflammatory supplements like Curcumin, fish oil, and NAC. 

I had my follow-up appointment with my doctor today after repeating some labs. Best news....ZERO cancer cells!!!! I still have a lot of work to do to heal and continue to stay cancer free...balancing hormones and detoxing mold are the biggest ones, but it feels VERY good to see that big, fat zero on the circulating tumor cells test!

So thankful for the Lord upholding us through all the ups and downs!! Staying in the Word, spending time in prayer, and focusing on His Truth are what keep me upright!

Where Were You?

In chapters 38, 39, and 40 of Job, God finally spoke directly to Job. These are just a few things He brought to Job's attention:

Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements—surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it? On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone, when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy? When I made clouds its garment and thick darkness its swaddling band, and prescribed limits for it and set bars and doors, and said, ‘Thus far shall you come, and no farther, and here shall your proud waves be stayed’? Have you commanded the morning since your days began, and caused the dawn to know its place, that it might take hold of the skirts of the earth, and the wicked be shaken out of it? Have you entered into the springs of the sea, or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have the gates of death been revealed to you, or have you seen the gates of deep darkness? Have you comprehended the expanse of the earth? Declare, if you know all this. Who has cleft a channel for the torrents of rain and a way for the thunderbolt, to bring rain on a land where no man is, on the desert in which there is no man, to satisfy the waste and desolate land, and to make the ground sprout with grass? Can you lift up your voice to the clouds, that a flood of waters may cover you? Can you send forth lightnings, that they may go and say to you, ‘Here we are’? Who has put wisdom in the inward parts or given understanding to the mind? Who can number the clouds by wisdom? Or who can tilt the waterskins of the heavens, when the dust runs into a mass and the clods stick fast together? Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty? He who argues with God, let him answer it.

Wowzer. God did not hold back! He very clearly reminded Job that HE IS GOD ALMIGHTY and He certainly does not need to explain Himself to Job. God holds the oceans in check, commands the thunder and rain, put the stars in place. Isaiah 55:8-9 says,

For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways My ways, declares the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are My ways higher than your ways
    and My thoughts than your thoughts.

 We cannot fathom the depths of God's wisdom and knowledge. Did it make any sense at all to Job why God allowed so much tragedy in his life? No. Does it make any sense to the world why bad things happen to "good people"? No, it often doesn't. But God's ways are not our ways. If He is powerful enough to hold the oceans in check, He is powerful enough to bring about His purpose in our lives...even if that doesn't look like we think it should. There is nothing about the last 6+ months of my family's life that looks like we thought it would. Anna's dream job turned into a nightmare that almost took her life. The home we were turning into our dream house (except it was in town ;-)) turned out to be slowly making us, especially me, dangerously sick. One thing after another has not been what we thought it would/should be.

Let me be clear...I have to remind myself very often of the truths I shared above. I have days, even weeks, where I get pretty good at throwing myself a pity party; when I just get sad/angry/defeated and tell God, "I want my life back!"; when it is hard to put one foot in front of the other because I'm physically and emotionally drained, and because I'm a little nervous what the next step might bring!

Yesterday, that next step (literally) did something to my knee. I could barely walk. The pain was intense. X-rays didn't show anything, a physical exam didn't shed any light on what was going on (if you need the best chiropractor in Kansas, go to Andover Spine & Health!). So, I get to scoot around on a walker (I'm too dangerous on crutches!!) for a few days and see if rest and supplements and e-stim will do the trick, or if it's something more serious. Who would've thought the 44 year old would need the walker before the 69 year olds?! The girls and I had planned a girls' day today, to go get coffee and a trip to Hobby Lobby. Then we were all going to head to the shooting range for some family bonding. What a bummer. Again! Why do our best laid plans keep blowing up?! Honestly, I have no idea. I don't know why God brought us to this point. I know He has a plan and His word tells us it is for His glory and our good. Ecclesiastes 3 tells us there is a time for everything-to weep & to laugh; to keep & to cast away. I'm trying to hold everything the Lord has given me with open hands...but I've discovered today that I'm not very good at that. I don't like to be dependent on someone else. I'm like a petulant toddler who insists, "I do it myself!" as God continually nudges me to let go. Whether that's letting go of something as silly as letting Isaac make my coffee, or as hard as a home...God wants me to let go, to let Him show me what His purpose is and how He can make me more like Jesus. I might never understand His purpose this side of Heaven, but I know I can continue to grow in my faith every day for the rest of my life. Sometimes I just wish He would be a little gentler in how He chooses to help me grow! ;-)

So thankful I am loved by a God who is not only just, but full of grace and mercy!