Health Crises Left & Right!

I guess technically we started 2024 with emergency oral surgery for Aaron! The week of our family "staycation" started with an abscessed tooth and then extraction for Aaron.

He spent most of his only week of vacation all year like this, in quite a bit of pain and then recovering from oral surgery. Disappointment is an understatement! We made the best we could of it and still were able to surprise the kids with an overnight trip to the Great Wolf Lodge (although Aaron couldn't do any of the slides).

Grace took her turn with several visits to the dentist. One side effect of Celiac's is poor teeth. She had to have several baby teeth pulled, either because they had cracked or permanent teeth were growing above them. She isn't a big fan of the dentist, but she was so brave and did such a good job!!

August saw Aaron back for oral surgery on yet another tooth extraction. This one he decided to have an implant put in, so that was a bit more of a process in extracting and putting the post in at the same time. 

I tried to convince him not to text anyone until he was a little less loopy, but he didn't listen. His friends and co-workers were quite entertained! He didn't remember anything he said or did for about 5 hours after surgery.

September showed up with really strange hives and rashes for Jacob, all over his body. We still don't know what caused them but definitely caused some panic when he texted me and said, "My lips and tongue are twice their normal size."!!! They eventually went away, and we still don't really know what caused them, except the possibility that it was from the mold.

And November, exactly 12 years to the day since his last ones, brought Aaron 2 big kidney stones! This time, one in each kidney which will require 2 separate surgeries. He waited for over 3 hours in pre-op before his first surgery. Last time they did lithotripsy, which is an external use of sound waves to break up the stones. This urologist uses an internal laser to break up the stones and remove them. 

It was a much more difficult recovery the first 3 days. The stent between his kidney and bladder caused horribly painful spasms every time he went to the bathroom. They gradually lessened and 3 days later he was, of course, back to work all day!

The long hallway in the cabin makes for a good walking track for the recovering patient! Now he gets to wait another week before they'll remove the stent and then he gets to go through it all again to remove the other kidney stone!

All of this (and to be honest, I'm probably forgetting something!) in the midst of my health problems, Anna's injury at work & her very hard, long recovery, finding all the mold in our house, moving out, and all the regular ups and downs of life without a health crisis left & right!

 

God Can Handle Your Laments

 

Fastforward to chapter 10 of Job (we'll talk about his friends and their "advice" later) and we see that Job is not afraid to let his thoughts be known to God.

I loathe my life; I will give free utterance to my complaint; I will speak of the bitterness of my soul. I will say to God, Do not condemn me; let me know why you contend against me.

Job wanted to know why God was allowing all these disasters to befall him. He earnestly wanted to know what he had done to deserve it all. Job wasn't asking why because he was curious...he wanted to be sure his conscience was clear before God. In all of chapter 10, Job never asks for God to take away his sickness. He simply asks, "Why do You contend with me?" Contend means to treat a person as wicked. Charles Spurgeon suggested a few answers to Job's question (and ours today when we go through trials):

*To show you His power to uphold you

*To develop your graces

*He wants you to enter the fellowship of His sufferings

*To humble you

Job goes on to lay his complaints before God.

Does it seem good to You that You should oppress, that You should despise the work of Your hands?

Really God? You created me & this is how You treat me?!

You know that I am not wicked.

Job knew that God knew that Job was not a wicked man! God even specifically told Satan that Job was an upright and blameless man who feared God and shunned evil! 

Your hands have made me and fashioned me, an intricate unity; yet You would destroy me.

Job felt like God was out to destroy him, understandably so! What Job didn't know is that God put limits on what Satan could take from Job (his life). What is hard to see in the midst of trials and hard times is God's power. When a believer experiences tragedy, trials, or hard times that seem to have no end, humans tend to see God as weak because those "bad" things are happening. Why wouldn't a powerful God put a stop to such awful things?! What we fail to see is the "behind the scenes" of what God very specifically allows. Just as in the case of Job, God is almighty and all-powerful and nothing that happens is outside of His hands. Why do bad things happen to good people? Well, first of all there is no such thing as "good" people. We all have wicked, sinful hearts. Some of us are redeemed by the blood of Christ but our flesh still wars against our spirit and desires to sin. Second of all, when we ask questions like that we are often viewing things with tunnel vision. We are not looking for God's power and might in those times, at least not in the way God intends for us to look. Often we are looking for His power to show in taking the trial away. What we need to look for instead is His power in the hard.

When I think of our life this past 11 months, I see a lot of hard (I haven't even written about the half of it!). But I also see God's hand in mighty and powerful ways, whether that is through friends and family, His word, His peace, doctors and nurses...God didn't choose to take away a lot of the hard for my family this year, but if we purposefully look for His power even in the hard, we will always find it because it is always there. I've also learned that God is okay with me asking "why?" and lamenting to Him, as long as I don't stay in that pit and choose to seek out His truth.

I will ponder all Your work, and meditate on Your mighty deeds. Psalm 145:11

Praise Him for His mighty deeds; praise Him according to His excellent greatness! Psalm 150:2

For you, O Lord, have made me glad by Your work; at the works of Your hands I sing for joy.

 Psalm 92:4

Why Do the Righteous Suffer?

 I mentioned I've been reading Job lately. I have, of course, read the book of Job before but I've never actually studied it. It is a very interesting book! According to some, it is the oldest book in the Bible, most likely written before 1500 B.C. Grandma's Bible notes that there is no mention of the laws which Exodus 19 and 20 tell us God gave to Moses, while Ezekiel refers to Job as a real person in chapter 14 and James mentions Job's patience in chapter 5. So, I don't think there is any disputing that Job was a real man.

The big question Job has, really, is "Why do the righteous suffer and the wicked prosper?" Job's three friends are ready and willing to share their answers to that question, but they all miss the mark (some by a mile). In the end, the answer is simply, "God is God." God's wisdom is unfathomable, unending, and deeper than we will ever understand this side of Heaven. 

In chapter 1, it is made clear that Job was a righteous man. Verse 1 says, "There was a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job, and that man was blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil." Strong's defines blameless as someone who is undefiled and morally pious, and upright as someone who is straight (think of the phrase "on the straight & narrow") and righteous. Not only was Job of high character, but he was also filthy rich! He had 10 children, all of whom had a close relationship with each other, thousands of sheep and camels, hundreds of donkeys and oxen, and many servants. The end of verse 3 says he was the "greatest of all the people in the east"!

Satan comes slithering into a gathering of the sons of God. The LORD asked Satan where he had come from (as if the all-knowing God didn't know!), and Satan told Him he had been walking around on the earth. Now, my question is why on earth would God point out Job to Satan, saying how righteous he was?! Satan loves nothing more than trying to destroy those who love and serve his greatest enemy. I think God had something to teach Job, even though he was a very righteous man who feared God and turned away from evil. No human on earth will ever be finished learning about the great ways of God, no matter how upright and blameless you are! Anyway, back to conversation between the LORD and Satan. After God points out Job and his high character, Satan smirks and says, "Well of course he's upright...he has everything he could ever want! Why wouldn't he praise You?!" God then gives Satan permission to take all that Job has, except his own life. And boy does Satan take every bit of what God allowed! In one day, Job lost everything he owned and every child he had. And what was Job's response? Verses 21 and 22 of chapter 1 tell us:

Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshipped. And he said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong.

Job worshipped and blessed the name of the LORD! Through all the hardships we have faced (and are still facing), my prayer has been that we will worship the Lord and bless His name. I take every thought captive and turn it to praise. Every time Satan sneaks a lie into my mind, I flip it for the Truth. When Satan says, "Why would a loving God allow this in your life. You have loved and served Him almost your whole life!" I flip it for God's Truth "I am the LORD your God. I will never leave you or forsake you. My ways are higher than your ways."

So why do the righteous suffer? Isn't that the age-old question?! Sometimes, God uses our suffering to glorify His name. Sometimes, God uses our suffering to teach us to more fully depend on Him. Sometimes, we never understand why the righteous suffer. We simply have to believe the Truth of God's Word and trust Him. 

Blessed be the name of the LORD

"The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21

At the end of July, I randomly found a lump in my breast. Terror doesn't begin to describe my feelings upon that discovery. I battled all night, claiming God's Word and praying for peace. And thus began a months' long battle against the modern medical world to get the care I chose and the care my own doctor requested for me. I couldn't even get an appointment with a doctor to exam me without getting a mammogram done first. From my research and looking at the science, I was not comfortable with having one done under any circumstances. I found a place that would do an ultrasound without a doctor's order. The tech was fairly certain the lump was a fibroadenoma. Whew. BUT, still a concern that it could be something else, so the radiologist recommended having an MRI done. I went ahead and scheduled a full body thermogram just to check for any other concerns. That took about 3 weeks to get done. The results came back with serious concern in my other breast, showing a lot of vascularity and inflammation. Radiologist recommended to get an ultrasound on that side, so I did. That ultrasound found 5 suspicious masses. In the meantime, I was able to finally find a doctor that was willing to listen to me as the patient (it's rare). She sent orders for an MRI to an imaging center she uses all the time. They refused to accept her order for only an MRI and said I had to have a mammogram first. Even though upon suspicious mammogram findings the next step is almost always an ultrasound, which I already had. I called dozens of imaging centers and NONE OF THEM would accept the order for an MRI only. The issue was not due to insurance because we were self-pay. It's simply "standard of care" and they refused to fulfill a doctor's orders for imaging. Insanity. During all of this, the Lord blessed me in so many ways through so many people. In my darkest hours, friends and family would send a text or a verse or a song that would be exactly what I needed. The times when despair and fear were overwhelming, someone would send a text with a scripture about God never leaving us, how He's there for those who call out to Him, or a song to get my focus back on Christ alone. One time in particular, Aaron had just prayed over me because the fear was suffocating me, and a friend texted me "Deuteronomy 31:8" That verse? It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. You can't tell me that friend wasn't listening to the Holy Spirit to send that verse at that moment!! So many other examples of that exact thing. Every day, I could count on one friend in particular to send me a verse that spoke to my soul. What an incredible blessing from the Lord to have friends and family like that!!!!!

I saturated my mind with God's Word. I created graphics to keep on my phone to look at when I needed encouragement.

I purposefully looked for beauty around me, especially in the midst of so much hard. God never disappointed! One day out at The Ponderosa, I noticed a lone sunflower growing in the middle of a rock bed. It was a seed dropped from a bird feeder (that Dad miraculously didn't pull! ha), small and a bit crooked, but straining to reach the sun every day. If that wasn't a good reminder to strain for seeing God every day, I don't know what would be!

I continually prayed that no matter came our way with my health, I would give all the glory to God. I prayed to have faith enough to trust Him, no matter the outcome. And I prayed my kids would have the same faith. We told the kids what was going on after my first ultrasound came back mostly positive. That's one thing about homeschooling & being together so much...you can't hide much from the kids! They knew something was up. It was very difficult, and I was pretty sure I knew how each kid would take it. Wise advice a friend (and cancer thriver) gave me was, "Don't believe a story we don't know to be true" meaning-we didn't know for sure that I did have cancer, so let's not believe that to be true and worry about it. But the unknown for so many weeks was very hard on all of us. No one prepares you to guide your child through the possibility of your death. No one prepares you for reading a text that says "Mom, I can't lose you. What would we do without you?" It all drove me to my knees, seeking God's wisdom and peace. It sent me to friends and family, asking for prayers for my kids' hearts, that they would trust God no matter the future. 

I also played worship music almost non-stop-in the house, in the car, on walks...all day long our minds were being soaked with reminders of God's promises, God's truths, & God's sovereignty.

 

I read verses like this over and over again until my mind believed them as much as my heart did, until the fear was quieted and the Truth was loud.

I printed out verses and put them up all over the house.

Daily, and sometimes moment by moment, I had to surrender to Jesus. Let go of any fear and surrender to His plan, whatever that may be.

On our trip to bring Anna home at the beginning of September, I had my first appointment (by phone) with a functional oncologist at Riordan Clinic. I chose Riordan because that was the approach I wanted to take for whatever I was dealing with. They immediately started me on high dose IV vitamin C, which required 4 back-to-back appointments to find my therapeutic dose, Ozone therapy, Mistletoe injections (it has been used for decades in Europe with much success), a host of supplements, and a pretty major diet change, along with a long list of lab work. 

So many supplements! This is just my morning "dose"...I take about this many 4 times a day.

Had to set up a little Mistletoe spot in my bedroom so it would be quick and easy to give myself the injections 3 times a week. Not super fun, but at least I'm not squeamish about needles!! Mistletoe is an immune stimulant, so the goal is to have basically an allergic reaction. Once I stop having a reaction, my dose goes up until I get one again. Repeat for several years!

First week was 3 days, back to back, getting Ozone Therapy (they drew my blood, added ozone, and then put it back in) and finding my therapeutic dose of IVC.

It was such a weird place to be...not knowing if I actually had cancer, seeing so many people getting treatments that did have cancer...very sobering. And also exhausting, mentally and physically.

The therapy center is incredibly comfortable! Heated massage recliners, blankets, books. The nurses are absolutely amazing. So kind and caring. I've never felt like a bother even once! They are top notch!!

I had to find a giant pill organizer for all my supplements. They barely fit!!

During all of this I am still trying to find a place that will honor my own doctor's orders for only an MRI. Finally found a place...Newton Medical Center. Hallelujah! The MRI results were suspicious of malignancy in both breasts (but only one mass was found on the right side instead of the 5 the ultrasound found) and recommended a biopsy. We kept with the treatment plan Riordan's oncologist had me on and waited for a lab results. Those came back surprisingly pretty good. The circulating tumor cells test showed my numbers were in the "normal" range but given that we had no baseline for me, we couldn't definitively say those numbers weren't elevated for me. The only major red flag was that my results for the mycotoxin test came back very high for several molds. The doctor added a prescription anti-fungal and some other supplements and also changed my diet to a low-mold diet. Two years ago, when we remodeled our kitchen and living space, we found mold in our attic. We fixed it, added vents to the roof, and went on with life. With those lab results, I had Aaron check the attic. Sure enough, there was mold allllll over the new wood that had been replaced when we had the roof fixed. So, the ventilation problem was still not fixed evidently. We had a mold remediation company come out and check the house over and they also found massive mold in our crawl space. The mold in the master bathroom seemed to be only surface, not in the walls or from a leak. My doctor strongly encouraged us to move out of the house if we could. By God's gracious timing, we had a place to go. Grandma Mary's house at The Ponderosa had just been sitting empty for all these months. Several precious friends from church came over, helped me pack what we would need for a short time away from home (but that also meant packing up a ton of kitchen stuff and food because Grace's Celiac's is no joke) load it up in several cars, and then unload it and put it away!! What an incredible blessing to not only have a place to go, but one that is so familiar to our kids, that is right by my parents (because my treatments take a lot of time and I had to have someone drive me), and that Anna can have her menagerie of animals! It's not without challenges, especially since it is much smaller than our house, but we have 80 acres to spread out on when the kids get on each other's nerves. Ha! I miss my big kitchen with my huge range and my wood burning stove, but I am so, so thankful to be here. I am already sleeping so much better, which makes me feel better overall!

I've been reading from Grandma's Bible lately. I love seeing what she highlighted and the notes she wrote. I started reading Job because, well...I was feeling a little like Job! Every time we turned around, something was going wrong. It's a good reminder that God is faithful & sovereign and I prayed that I could say, no matter what happened, "Blessed be the name of the Lord"!

I've enjoyed "coffee" time on the back deck with Isaac and Grace. Isaac has discovered the wonderfulness of a homemade latte (with almond milk, of course)!

Grace loves a cup of steamed almond milk. And we love our mug sweaters Aunt Cara made us!

Really can't beat the morning walk views at The Ponderosa. What a blessing to be surrounded by God's beautiful creation during such a challenging time.

Grace loves being able to roam around with her dog Daisy, and yes she wears her pajamas quite often!

It's certainly been an adjustment (feels like we've been adjusting to changing circumstances for an entire year!). The girls and boys each share a bedroom. We really thought we would only be out here for a month at the most, so we only brought the kids' mattresses, their instruments (of course), a few toys, and some clothes. I usually sit beside Grace's bed until she falls asleep, but now her bed is just a mattress on the floor, so I sit in a chair between the girls' mattresses. She holds my big toe as she falls asleep now! There's a lot of uncertainty for our future...not only am I facing serious health issues, but we're also displaced from our home. The kids each are working through the upheaval in their own ways, but we're getting through it! Being able to be at The Ponderosa, where things are so familiar and Papa & Binga are right here, makes the upheaval much easier to work through!!

I had the biopsy, which was probably one of the worst things I've been through (mainly because we didn't know Aaron wouldn't be allowed to go with me, so I had to be alone for it), and waiting for the results felt like it took a year. Two days later, PRAISE GOD both masses are benign!! Every ultrasound image I saw, the masses looked like textbook images of cancerous tumors. Every single one of them. You can't tell me that God didn't miraculously change that to be benign. I had so many people praying for healing. I was just praying for strength to face the battle of healing from cancer! I guess one thing I needed to learn yet was to pray BIG prayers!

One of the challenging things during all of this was juggling fixing meals for my family. Not only was I on a lot of restrictions, but we already have a lot of restrictions with Isaac and Grace's food allergies. Our church has always been the biggest blessing to our family since we've been going there, but during this time...there are no words for how much they have blessed us. Usually, they would set up a meal train and deliver meals and freezer meals. Since that is impossible with all we're dealing with, they collected donations that went toward food for us that a dear, sweet friend (who also has kids with food allergies) then used to make meals for us. Three weeks of meals that I don't have to worry are safe for Grace to eat!!! Three weeks of meals that I can pull out of the freezer on days when I'm too tired from treatments. Three weeks of meals...I just can't even describe what a gift that is!

I still have a road of healing...even though the pathology is benign, it's still abnormal growth which signals things are off. Just getting out of our house has helped. I will continue with the treatment plan my doctor has me on. We will repeat lab work in a few months and see how things are looking. We also have to figure out what to do with our house. It will cost a small fortune just to remediate the mold. Then we have to figure out what is causing it to begin with and fix that, remodel the master bathroom, fix the roof, the list goes on and on. And there's no guarantee that any of those things will make it safe enough for me to live there again. But if I've learned anything this year, it is that God will provide. He will bless us every step of the way...we just have to look for it!

One amazing benefit of Riordan is that I can bring kids along with me to my treatments. There are usually open chairs and it's just a small way we can spend more time together instead of them being left at home all the time while I go to treatments. They usually take turns coming with me. Jacob has come, but he isn't a fan of sitting around needles, so he hangs out with his cousins (he's discovered driving in Wichita isn't horrible)!

Sometimes both girls come with me (I try to schedule Anna's brain therapy on the same days so we're limiting trips to Wichita!), and sometimes we get lucky and the "private room" is open!

He's just as tired as I am ;-) He rarely comes with me, since he's so busy at work & absolutely hates needles!

 God knew exactly what I would need during this time and Aaron has been an incredible support. I couldn't have made it through the last 3 months without him beside me. 

I also couldn't have made it without my parents. They have driven me back and forth, taken care of the kids, helped with school work...good grief, they're giving us a place to live! It's a blessing I'll never be able to repay. We are so thankful for them. 

 

The LORD gives and the LORD takes away

 It's been a long time since I've blogged anything. Social media has taken its place...it's quicker and easier to share snapshots of life on a more daily basis there. I do miss sitting at the computer and typing up life's stories, though. And this year's story is much too long for a social media post-actually, I'm going to have to split it up into several blog posts! Grab a cup of coffee and settle in. The Lord has taken our family on quite the ride this year and I want to record it so we can look back and be reminded of His goodness, faithfulness, and love.

The year started with celebrating Grandma Mary's 95th birthday in February at The Ponderosa with lots of friends and family. She left a mark on so many people, simply through her quiet and steadfast presence in their lives and her unshakeable faith. The night of her party, she became unresponsive. Aaron and I were scheduled to leave for a work conference in Tennessee the next morning, while the kids stayed with my parents. We were to be gone for almost a full week. Before we left, we stopped at The Ponderosa to see Grandma. She had woken up and was seemingly back to herself. I had a good conversation with her, gave her a hug and kiss on the forehead, told her I loved her & would see her when we got back. Before we got to Nashville, she had become unresponsive again. It was absolutely awful being so far away, not only from Grandma but also from our kids. They were all very close to her. She passed away 2 days before we came home. It's hard to imagine it being a shock to lose someone who is 95, but when that someone was as special as Grandma Mary was to our family, it was so difficult. This is what I wrote for her service:

The first thing I think of when I think about Grandma Mary is prayer. My entire life, I have witnessed her devotion to bringing cares, troubles, and praises to her Savior. She always had some little nook that was full of notes, pictures of loved ones and missionaries, and her Bible. That is where she went to battle for the ones she loved. A prayer warrior. What a legacy.

 Another thing that all the cousins will agree is synonymous with Grandma is popcorn, apples, and cheese! The best snack as we sat around and visited, played games, or watched TV (usually KU basketball!) at the farm!

And I've yet to figure out how she always managed to feed whatever army showed up at her door unannounced. I swear that deep freeze was magic because she pulled feasts out of there!

I was privileged to have a front row seat to a life lived to glorify Christ. An example of a faithful wife, a caring mother, and a loving grandmother. 

There is deep sadness and yet deep joy to have lost one as special as Grandma Mary. Deep sadness because we all loved her dearly and she was always a steady and joyful presence in our lives that we will terribly miss. Her quiet and steady devotion to her Savior set an example to strive for in my own relationship with Him. I've not met someone who so aptly fits the title "prayer warrior" than she did.  And deep joy because we know that she has met her Savior face to face and heard Him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant!" and will spend the rest of eternity in His very presence!! What a glorious day that was for her.

And thus the tension of loved ones left behind. Deep sadness and deep joy. What an honor and privilege to have called her Grandma and been blessed to be taught by her example.

We were so blessed to have her at The Ponderosa for several years, for my kids to make many memories with her. For me to learn even more from her, to just have those precious days and hours with her. And even for me to be able to help care for her at the end of her life. Such a privilege and honor.

Shopping

Exercises with Great Grandma & Papa!

Grace giving her a birthday present she made.

Grace was named after Grandma Mary (they both have Elizabeth as middle names). I love this picture, and I remember it like it was yesterday. Grace was being especially clingy, and Grandma knew I needed a break, so she took Grace and wasn't a bit bothered by Grace's sass and grumpiness! ha!! 

Oh Grace. Grandma certainly got a kick out of her spirit, but she also wasn't afraid to gently encourage Grace to be obedient and respectful!

Grandma was part of many milestones, like Anna's high school graduation.

And Jacob's 8th grade graduation.

Lots of games of SkipBo!

And plenty of sitting around the table reminiscing and laughing! 

Grandma and Anna. She had the best "rock and pat" for putting babies to sleep!

Sweet memories at their farm with little Anna & Jacob!

She got to observe the chaos and fun of Cousin Camp...she always enjoyed watching her great-grandchildren!

At the end of May, we suddenly lost my uncle Loren. That was one of the hardest funerals I've ever been to, but it was a beautiful day paying tribute to a man who meant so much to so many people. Uncle Loren would have deflected every compliment spoken regarding his hard work, self-sacrifice, and high character. The only thing he would have given a hearty amen to, was the message of the Gospel that was clearly given. Once again, our hearts were broken. But we don't mourn as those without hope. We have the Holy Spirit, and Uncle Loren has Jesus face to face! The quote that came to mind over and over was "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all."