Blessed be the name of the LORD

"The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21

At the end of July, I randomly found a lump in my breast. Terror doesn't begin to describe my feelings upon that discovery. I battled all night, claiming God's Word and praying for peace. And thus began a months' long battle against the modern medical world to get the care I chose and the care my own doctor requested for me. I couldn't even get an appointment with a doctor to exam me without getting a mammogram done first. From my research and looking at the science, I was not comfortable with having one done under any circumstances. I found a place that would do an ultrasound without a doctor's order. The tech was fairly certain the lump was a fibroadenoma. Whew. BUT, still a concern that it could be something else, so the radiologist recommended having an MRI done. I went ahead and scheduled a full body thermogram just to check for any other concerns. That took about 3 weeks to get done. The results came back with serious concern in my other breast, showing a lot of vascularity and inflammation. Radiologist recommended to get an ultrasound on that side, so I did. That ultrasound found 5 suspicious masses. In the meantime, I was able to finally find a doctor that was willing to listen to me as the patient (it's rare). She sent orders for an MRI to an imaging center she uses all the time. They refused to accept her order for only an MRI and said I had to have a mammogram first. Even though upon suspicious mammogram findings the next step is almost always an ultrasound, which I already had. I called dozens of imaging centers and NONE OF THEM would accept the order for an MRI only. The issue was not due to insurance because we were self-pay. It's simply "standard of care" and they refused to fulfill a doctor's orders for imaging. Insanity. During all of this, the Lord blessed me in so many ways through so many people. In my darkest hours, friends and family would send a text or a verse or a song that would be exactly what I needed. The times when despair and fear were overwhelming, someone would send a text with a scripture about God never leaving us, how He's there for those who call out to Him, or a song to get my focus back on Christ alone. One time in particular, Aaron had just prayed over me because the fear was suffocating me, and a friend texted me "Deuteronomy 31:8" That verse? It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. You can't tell me that friend wasn't listening to the Holy Spirit to send that verse at that moment!! So many other examples of that exact thing. Every day, I could count on one friend in particular to send me a verse that spoke to my soul. What an incredible blessing from the Lord to have friends and family like that!!!!!

I saturated my mind with God's Word. I created graphics to keep on my phone to look at when I needed encouragement.

I purposefully looked for beauty around me, especially in the midst of so much hard. God never disappointed! One day out at The Ponderosa, I noticed a lone sunflower growing in the middle of a rock bed. It was a seed dropped from a bird feeder (that Dad miraculously didn't pull! ha), small and a bit crooked, but straining to reach the sun every day. If that wasn't a good reminder to strain for seeing God every day, I don't know what would be!

I continually prayed that no matter came our way with my health, I would give all the glory to God. I prayed to have faith enough to trust Him, no matter the outcome. And I prayed my kids would have the same faith. We told the kids what was going on after my first ultrasound came back mostly positive. That's one thing about homeschooling & being together so much...you can't hide much from the kids! They knew something was up. It was very difficult, and I was pretty sure I knew how each kid would take it. Wise advice a friend (and cancer thriver) gave me was, "Don't believe a story we don't know to be true" meaning-we didn't know for sure that I did have cancer, so let's not believe that to be true and worry about it. But the unknown for so many weeks was very hard on all of us. No one prepares you to guide your child through the possibility of your death. No one prepares you for reading a text that says "Mom, I can't lose you. What would we do without you?" It all drove me to my knees, seeking God's wisdom and peace. It sent me to friends and family, asking for prayers for my kids' hearts, that they would trust God no matter the future. 

I also played worship music almost non-stop-in the house, in the car, on walks...all day long our minds were being soaked with reminders of God's promises, God's truths, & God's sovereignty.

 

I read verses like this over and over again until my mind believed them as much as my heart did, until the fear was quieted and the Truth was loud.

I printed out verses and put them up all over the house.

Daily, and sometimes moment by moment, I had to surrender to Jesus. Let go of any fear and surrender to His plan, whatever that may be.

On our trip to bring Anna home at the beginning of September, I had my first appointment (by phone) with a functional oncologist at Riordan Clinic. I chose Riordan because that was the approach I wanted to take for whatever I was dealing with. They immediately started me on high dose IV vitamin C, which required 4 back-to-back appointments to find my therapeutic dose, Ozone therapy, Mistletoe injections (it has been used for decades in Europe with much success), a host of supplements, and a pretty major diet change, along with a long list of lab work. 

So many supplements! This is just my morning "dose"...I take about this many 4 times a day.

Had to set up a little Mistletoe spot in my bedroom so it would be quick and easy to give myself the injections 3 times a week. Not super fun, but at least I'm not squeamish about needles!! Mistletoe is an immune stimulant, so the goal is to have basically an allergic reaction. Once I stop having a reaction, my dose goes up until I get one again. Repeat for several years!

First week was 3 days, back to back, getting Ozone Therapy (they drew my blood, added ozone, and then put it back in) and finding my therapeutic dose of IVC.

It was such a weird place to be...not knowing if I actually had cancer, seeing so many people getting treatments that did have cancer...very sobering. And also exhausting, mentally and physically.

The therapy center is incredibly comfortable! Heated massage recliners, blankets, books. The nurses are absolutely amazing. So kind and caring. I've never felt like a bother even once! They are top notch!!

I had to find a giant pill organizer for all my supplements. They barely fit!!

During all of this I am still trying to find a place that will honor my own doctor's orders for only an MRI. Finally found a place...Newton Medical Center. Hallelujah! The MRI results were suspicious of malignancy in both breasts (but only one mass was found on the right side instead of the 5 the ultrasound found) and recommended a biopsy. We kept with the treatment plan Riordan's oncologist had me on and waited for a lab results. Those came back surprisingly pretty good. The circulating tumor cells test showed my numbers were in the "normal" range but given that we had no baseline for me, we couldn't definitively say those numbers weren't elevated for me. The only major red flag was that my results for the mycotoxin test came back very high for several molds. The doctor added a prescription anti-fungal and some other supplements and also changed my diet to a low-mold diet. Two years ago, when we remodeled our kitchen and living space, we found mold in our attic. We fixed it, added vents to the roof, and went on with life. With those lab results, I had Aaron check the attic. Sure enough, there was mold allllll over the new wood that had been replaced when we had the roof fixed. So, the ventilation problem was still not fixed evidently. We had a mold remediation company come out and check the house over and they also found massive mold in our crawl space. The mold in the master bathroom seemed to be only surface, not in the walls or from a leak. My doctor strongly encouraged us to move out of the house if we could. By God's gracious timing, we had a place to go. Grandma Mary's house at The Ponderosa had just been sitting empty for all these months. Several precious friends from church came over, helped me pack what we would need for a short time away from home (but that also meant packing up a ton of kitchen stuff and food because Grace's Celiac's is no joke) load it up in several cars, and then unload it and put it away!! What an incredible blessing to not only have a place to go, but one that is so familiar to our kids, that is right by my parents (because my treatments take a lot of time and I had to have someone drive me), and that Anna can have her menagerie of animals! It's not without challenges, especially since it is much smaller than our house, but we have 80 acres to spread out on when the kids get on each other's nerves. Ha! I miss my big kitchen with my huge range and my wood burning stove, but I am so, so thankful to be here. I am already sleeping so much better, which makes me feel better overall!

I've been reading from Grandma's Bible lately. I love seeing what she highlighted and the notes she wrote. I started reading Job because, well...I was feeling a little like Job! Every time we turned around, something was going wrong. It's a good reminder that God is faithful & sovereign and I prayed that I could say, no matter what happened, "Blessed be the name of the Lord"!

I've enjoyed "coffee" time on the back deck with Isaac and Grace. Isaac has discovered the wonderfulness of a homemade latte (with almond milk, of course)!

Grace loves a cup of steamed almond milk. And we love our mug sweaters Aunt Cara made us!

Really can't beat the morning walk views at The Ponderosa. What a blessing to be surrounded by God's beautiful creation during such a challenging time.

Grace loves being able to roam around with her dog Daisy, and yes she wears her pajamas quite often!

It's certainly been an adjustment (feels like we've been adjusting to changing circumstances for an entire year!). The girls and boys each share a bedroom. We really thought we would only be out here for a month at the most, so we only brought the kids' mattresses, their instruments (of course), a few toys, and some clothes. I usually sit beside Grace's bed until she falls asleep, but now her bed is just a mattress on the floor, so I sit in a chair between the girls' mattresses. She holds my big toe as she falls asleep now! There's a lot of uncertainty for our future...not only am I facing serious health issues, but we're also displaced from our home. The kids each are working through the upheaval in their own ways, but we're getting through it! Being able to be at The Ponderosa, where things are so familiar and Papa & Binga are right here, makes the upheaval much easier to work through!!

I had the biopsy, which was probably one of the worst things I've been through (mainly because we didn't know Aaron wouldn't be allowed to go with me, so I had to be alone for it), and waiting for the results felt like it took a year. Two days later, PRAISE GOD both masses are benign!! Every ultrasound image I saw, the masses looked like textbook images of cancerous tumors. Every single one of them. You can't tell me that God didn't miraculously change that to be benign. I had so many people praying for healing. I was just praying for strength to face the battle of healing from cancer! I guess one thing I needed to learn yet was to pray BIG prayers!

One of the challenging things during all of this was juggling fixing meals for my family. Not only was I on a lot of restrictions, but we already have a lot of restrictions with Isaac and Grace's food allergies. Our church has always been the biggest blessing to our family since we've been going there, but during this time...there are no words for how much they have blessed us. Usually, they would set up a meal train and deliver meals and freezer meals. Since that is impossible with all we're dealing with, they collected donations that went toward food for us that a dear, sweet friend (who also has kids with food allergies) then used to make meals for us. Three weeks of meals that I don't have to worry are safe for Grace to eat!!! Three weeks of meals that I can pull out of the freezer on days when I'm too tired from treatments. Three weeks of meals...I just can't even describe what a gift that is!

I still have a road of healing...even though the pathology is benign, it's still abnormal growth which signals things are off. Just getting out of our house has helped. I will continue with the treatment plan my doctor has me on. We will repeat lab work in a few months and see how things are looking. We also have to figure out what to do with our house. It will cost a small fortune just to remediate the mold. Then we have to figure out what is causing it to begin with and fix that, remodel the master bathroom, fix the roof, the list goes on and on. And there's no guarantee that any of those things will make it safe enough for me to live there again. But if I've learned anything this year, it is that God will provide. He will bless us every step of the way...we just have to look for it!

One amazing benefit of Riordan is that I can bring kids along with me to my treatments. There are usually open chairs and it's just a small way we can spend more time together instead of them being left at home all the time while I go to treatments. They usually take turns coming with me. Jacob has come, but he isn't a fan of sitting around needles, so he hangs out with his cousins (he's discovered driving in Wichita isn't horrible)!

Sometimes both girls come with me (I try to schedule Anna's brain therapy on the same days so we're limiting trips to Wichita!), and sometimes we get lucky and the "private room" is open!

He's just as tired as I am ;-) He rarely comes with me, since he's so busy at work & absolutely hates needles!

 God knew exactly what I would need during this time and Aaron has been an incredible support. I couldn't have made it through the last 3 months without him beside me. 

I also couldn't have made it without my parents. They have driven me back and forth, taken care of the kids, helped with school work...good grief, they're giving us a place to live! It's a blessing I'll never be able to repay. We are so thankful for them. 

 

Anna's Rocky Mountain Adventure

 At the beginning of May, we moved Anna to Estes Park (to live with Aaron's parents) to work her dream summer job as a wrangler/trail guide! She was excited to spend her days on the back of a horse in the Rocky Mountains!! It ended up being such a challenging few months. Her boss was verbally abusive to the wranglers, especially Anna, and abused the new horses during "training", refused to hire more help (they had half the number of wranglers they normally staff), and made them all work very long hours with no extra days off. It was a rocky start with her co-workers as well, all of whom came from VERY different backgrounds, but her integrity & kindness earned the respect of every single co-worker by the end of the summer. God really stretched and grew her and I'm really proud of her for fulfilling her commitment to the company (even though no one would have faulted her for quitting under such circumstances). I promised Anna we would come visit her every month, and we got pretty close to that!

At the end of June, for Anna's 19th birthday, we surprised her by bringing Papa & Binga and her 2 best friends along for our monthly-ish trip to visit her. It was so fun and it was just what she needed to keep going!

She took us (well, those of us who wanted to ride!) on a trail ride and gave a perfect ride!

It was so fun to see her in her element.

She really missed her friends, though!!

Showing them all the horses (over 120 of them!), naming them off, and giving random facts about each one.

We had NEVER heard her talk so much in one sitting!!!

Papa and Binga rented an AirBnB for us and the girls to all stay at...it was the perfect "weekend away" that Anna needed!

A trip downtown for shopping and matching hoodies for the girls!

At the beginning of August, we took a quick trip to see her again. She was so homesick and really struggling with the awful work environment. We kept encouraging her to find the good every day, look for ways to be kind to others, and cling to the Truth of God's word (little did we know how much all of us would need that advice in the weeks to come!!!).

We went to the Alluvial Fan that Sunday to have our own church service overlooking God's incredible creation.

She also asked that I fix a homecooked meal for all the wranglers, so I made BBQ meatballs, baked potatoes, and green beans...one of her favorite meals! They all appreciated something other than microwave dinners and Hot Pockets!

At the end of August, Anna sustained a severe double concussion, just 2 weeks before she was done, when a draft horse kicked a solid steel gate into her head. She had a small cut on her forehead which required 5 stitches. Only by a miracle is she still alive. The force of the kick and the solid gate alone could've killed her, not to mention she could have easily been trampled because she was in the sorting pen when it happened. She was able to get right up and shut the gate and then passed out. Her co-workers sprang into action and carried her to the barn where they stopped the bleeding, but she passed out 2 more times and threw up 7 times by the time they got her to the ER (probably only took 15 minutes from the time it happened to when she was at the ER). I got an unexpected call from Anna at 10:30am but it was a co-worker, letting me know that Anna took a gate to the head, and they had taken her to the ER. She kind of left out a lot of details so I didn't actually know how bad it was. The next week was full of hard. Praise God she did not have a fracture or brain bleed, but the double concussion was so severe. She had no depth perception, so riding in a car was torture especially since she gets car sick in the mountains anyway. She couldn't go up and down stairs. She really couldn't even walk without assistance. I could not go bring her home because she wouldn't have made it down the canyon, let alone an entire 8-hour drive back home. After about a week, it became apparent that she had to come home. She wasn't improving a lot, and she just needed a place that was very familiar and comforting without stress as her brain tried to make sense of everything. She had long- and short-term memory loss, had a very hard time focusing and comprehending and even speaking. Mom, Dad, and I finally drove through the night to go pack up all her stuff (she also took Sadie with her, because Sadie would have literally died of loneliness without Anna) and bring her home. She was in bad shape by the time she finished with a follow-up doctor appointment before she could be released to go home (work comp mess). We gave her some nausea meds and drove halfway home, staying with family. Getting her home went a long way in helping her brain be comfortable enough to start healing, but we're still on the road to healing 7 weeks later.

Saying goodbye to some of her co-workers

Thankful for Papa's pickup so we could fit all the humans, the dog, and Anna's stuff!

After an all-night drive, I enjoyed a Ziggi's latte while I walked around the lake waiting for Anna to wake up and letting my folks take a nap in the truck.

It was a really rough ride home. We only went halfway (4 hours). She was finally able to sleep a bit and then slept pretty good that night with me. For a long time after we got her home, she would wake up and forget where she was and not know where anyone was. It was quite terrifying for her.

Sadie was an incredible comfort to Anna. When her world seemed in total chaos after the accident, Sadie was the only safe & familiar thing her brain could remember. And Sadie knew that Anna needed her. What a blessing that dog has been!! There will never be another like Sadie.

There were lots of people happy to have Anna home. Grace probably missed her the most!

But this sweet kiddo was a close second! Miles has loved Anna from the day we started going to Maranatha!! He missed her all summer and asked about her often. He is SO happy to have her back!

Daddy was more than happy to have his girl back.

She still hasn't been cleared to work. She hasn't been able to join the worship team again. She can't ride her horse or start breaking June. She can drive, but not toward evening or after dark because she gets tired and easily confused still. It's so frustrating for her to do nothing but rest. Having to deal with work comp adds another layer to the whole ordeal. Thankfully they have been okay to work with for the most part. She is having progressively worse/more frequent headaches and still has significant short- and long-term memory loss. We are all frustrated with the stall-out in her healing. My brother and sister-in-law recommended a brain therapy place that seems like it would be very beneficial, so she has started that. We are praying that this will help her brain open up those neuropathways and finish up the healing process!