Beauty in the Storm

It certainly feels like our life is a constant storm these days. Every time I think we've turned the corner, something else happens. I guess God is just making sure I remember to stay dependent on Him alone!

The MRI showed I have a complex tear of my lateral meniscus. Yes, just from standing up. Ha! I have bad knees-"knock-kneed" and hyperextended knees my whole life means they have had extra wear and tear and over the years which has just weakened things, especially on the outside of my knee. A week ago, I had Platelet-Rich-Plasma injections and started physical therapy. It feels much, much better already so we're all really praying that these two therapies will help me avoid surgery (plus all the supplements I'm already taking are helping keep inflammation at bay).

We had some decent weather a couple weeks ago, so Grace enjoyed doing her schoolwork outside so she could snuggle with Daisy!

Isaac has been on the hunt!! Papa has a bounty out on squirrels, so he keeps a sharp eye out for them!! 

It's paying off!

He watches out the picture window often, with his 22 at the ready!

Papa might need to come out of retirement if he keeps it up!

School or squirrel hunting?? ;-)

Just when I thought things were settling down for us, Grace got super sick. Pretty sure it was influenza. She had a high fever for 3 days, then a cough that hung on for weeks. Poor girl lost 4 pounds! She doesn't have any to lose!! I'm just thankful no one else got the high fever stuff. We're all trying to keep out all the loveliness going around, but I'll take a cold over a high fever any day!

Big sis brought her an orange, but as you can see Grace didn't have much of an appetite yet.

She hasn't been that sick since we figured out her food allergies. It was a loooooong 3 days! I did a lot of Raindrops on her (a technique of putting specific essential oils on her spine), LMNT electrolytes, and tepid baths with Epsom salts, baking soda, and bentonite clay. Her body fought like a champ! I'm still so thankful for all the knowledge I've gained over the years on how our bodies were designed to work, ways to naturally support them, and knowing when it's time for more than what I have in my cupboard. No fear, just knowledge and empowerment!

She did not want me to leave her side, so I spent a lot of time sitting in the recliner, doing my Bible study and trying to catch up on lost sleep when she was sleeping (why do they always get worse at night and then sleep all day?!). As chaotic as life has been, this bedroom has become quite the haven for me. It has beautiful views, I have all my plant babies by the sliding glass door...really having very little "stuff" from our house makes it feel pretty calm and tidy! I can see why Grandma wanted her desk by the bay window, where she would sit and study her Bible and pray for everyone she loved. And today, on what would have been her 96th birthday, it feels like the best place to be.

Still getting most of my IV's at home. It's not enjoyable, but at least I can be at home even if I mostly doze off while watching classic TV with Grace!

The deacons at church put on a Valentine's luncheon for our widows. Thanks to a generous donor and an excellent day-after-Valentine's sale, we were able to give each one a gorgeous bouquet!

I've been getting pretty nauseous with my IVC's, so I've done a couple at the clinic to check my levels afterward. Turns out the dosage I'm at is not enough anymore, so we upped the dose and are waiting to see if that will be enough to get my levels where my doctor wants them. Isaac came with me so he could drive me home because I knew I would NOT feel good after this one-a higher dose and being pushed so quickly (so they can get an accurate result) would leave me very tired and probably feeling pretty yucky. I was right! I got us out of rush hour traffic, and then he drove the rest of the way. He did great and I'm so thankful he's willing to drive me around!!

We got home yesterday before the nasty weather hit! We woke up this morning to bitterly cold temps (below zero windchills) and blowing snow. It hasn't stopped snowing all day! The bitter windchills are only going to continue to drop the next 2 days. I'm thankful for a warm house and big windows to enjoy the beautiful snow without having to go outside!!!

Since the windchills are supposed to reach -25 to -30 the next 2 days, the dogs get to hang out in the garage. Anna and Grace set up a posh doggy hotel, complete with old blankets & heat lamps!

 Aside from PRP and physical therapy, these two products have been AMAZING for my knee! DMSO is an incredible powerhouse for inflammation. RCO's Muscle & Joint Pain Cream is excellent for the pain that's come from not walking normally and not being able to sleep normally! On top of several anti-inflammatory supplements like Curcumin, fish oil, and NAC. 

I had my follow-up appointment with my doctor today after repeating some labs. Best news....ZERO cancer cells!!!! I still have a lot of work to do to heal and continue to stay cancer free...balancing hormones and detoxing mold are the biggest ones, but it feels VERY good to see that big, fat zero on the circulating tumor cells test!

So thankful for the Lord upholding us through all the ups and downs!! Staying in the Word, spending time in prayer, and focusing on His Truth are what keep me upright!

Where Were You?

In chapters 38, 39, and 40 of Job, God finally spoke directly to Job. These are just a few things He brought to Job's attention:

Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements—surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it? On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone, when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy? When I made clouds its garment and thick darkness its swaddling band, and prescribed limits for it and set bars and doors, and said, ‘Thus far shall you come, and no farther, and here shall your proud waves be stayed’? Have you commanded the morning since your days began, and caused the dawn to know its place, that it might take hold of the skirts of the earth, and the wicked be shaken out of it? Have you entered into the springs of the sea, or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have the gates of death been revealed to you, or have you seen the gates of deep darkness? Have you comprehended the expanse of the earth? Declare, if you know all this. Who has cleft a channel for the torrents of rain and a way for the thunderbolt, to bring rain on a land where no man is, on the desert in which there is no man, to satisfy the waste and desolate land, and to make the ground sprout with grass? Can you lift up your voice to the clouds, that a flood of waters may cover you? Can you send forth lightnings, that they may go and say to you, ‘Here we are’? Who has put wisdom in the inward parts or given understanding to the mind? Who can number the clouds by wisdom? Or who can tilt the waterskins of the heavens, when the dust runs into a mass and the clods stick fast together? Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty? He who argues with God, let him answer it.

Wowzer. God did not hold back! He very clearly reminded Job that HE IS GOD ALMIGHTY and He certainly does not need to explain Himself to Job. God holds the oceans in check, commands the thunder and rain, put the stars in place. Isaiah 55:8-9 says,

For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways My ways, declares the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are My ways higher than your ways
    and My thoughts than your thoughts.

 We cannot fathom the depths of God's wisdom and knowledge. Did it make any sense at all to Job why God allowed so much tragedy in his life? No. Does it make any sense to the world why bad things happen to "good people"? No, it often doesn't. But God's ways are not our ways. If He is powerful enough to hold the oceans in check, He is powerful enough to bring about His purpose in our lives...even if that doesn't look like we think it should. There is nothing about the last 6+ months of my family's life that looks like we thought it would. Anna's dream job turned into a nightmare that almost took her life. The home we were turning into our dream house (except it was in town ;-)) turned out to be slowly making us, especially me, dangerously sick. One thing after another has not been what we thought it would/should be.

Let me be clear...I have to remind myself very often of the truths I shared above. I have days, even weeks, where I get pretty good at throwing myself a pity party; when I just get sad/angry/defeated and tell God, "I want my life back!"; when it is hard to put one foot in front of the other because I'm physically and emotionally drained, and because I'm a little nervous what the next step might bring!

Yesterday, that next step (literally) did something to my knee. I could barely walk. The pain was intense. X-rays didn't show anything, a physical exam didn't shed any light on what was going on (if you need the best chiropractor in Kansas, go to Andover Spine & Health!). So, I get to scoot around on a walker (I'm too dangerous on crutches!!) for a few days and see if rest and supplements and e-stim will do the trick, or if it's something more serious. Who would've thought the 44 year old would need the walker before the 69 year olds?! The girls and I had planned a girls' day today, to go get coffee and a trip to Hobby Lobby. Then we were all going to head to the shooting range for some family bonding. What a bummer. Again! Why do our best laid plans keep blowing up?! Honestly, I have no idea. I don't know why God brought us to this point. I know He has a plan and His word tells us it is for His glory and our good. Ecclesiastes 3 tells us there is a time for everything-to weep & to laugh; to keep & to cast away. I'm trying to hold everything the Lord has given me with open hands...but I've discovered today that I'm not very good at that. I don't like to be dependent on someone else. I'm like a petulant toddler who insists, "I do it myself!" as God continually nudges me to let go. Whether that's letting go of something as silly as letting Isaac make my coffee, or as hard as a home...God wants me to let go, to let Him show me what His purpose is and how He can make me more like Jesus. I might never understand His purpose this side of Heaven, but I know I can continue to grow in my faith every day for the rest of my life. Sometimes I just wish He would be a little gentler in how He chooses to help me grow! ;-)

So thankful I am loved by a God who is not only just, but full of grace and mercy!

 

Where is the good?

November felt like a sprinting marathon. The relief of a clear biopsy was quickly replaced with Aaron’s kidney stone surgeries & recoveries. Throw in a baptism, birthday, sicknesses, and Thanksgiving, and I felt like I’d survived a hurricane. There were plenty of days when I asked the Lord, “Can’t just one thing be easy?!” It honestly felt like every time I turned around, something was going wrong…someone was getting sick, recovery was much harder than expected, I was having reactions to mold, kids were fighting, Aaron was crazy busy at work. Life just felt hard everywhere I turned.

But then He would remind me, through a friend or family or His creation, that there were lots of good things going on. I just needed to look for them. The weather we had was absolutely gorgeous, making walks on the trails so enjoyable.

I was able to do my IVC treatments at home. Sometimes in unconventional ways, but at home nonetheless!! Such a blessing to not have to be gone from home for hours & hours every week.

Having Samaritan Ministries has been an incredible blessing!! Every time we receive a share to help pay for my mounting medical expenses, we also receive a note from a fellow member telling us we are being prayed for. Samaritans has covered all of my “alternative” treatments and even covered 90% of the cost of an infrared sauna because my doctor wants me using one daily. That was easy to do when we were still in Sterling because the wellness center has one. It’s not exactly feasible to drive to Sterling every day to use the sauna, so I’m very thankful they covered it and Dad let me put it in the weight room! Thankful for his and Jacob’s talent for putting things together, too!!

I also tackled painting the cabin! Thankful I felt good enough to do it…it has helped it feel a little more like home.

Eucalyptus Wreath for the win!! It makes the wood even more beautiful!!

It took too many tries but I finally found a good color for the girls’ room. And I did get it done in time for them to sleep in their room! 😂

So, the Lord continues to show me that there is good. HE is good. So thankful for the truth of these verses, that His love is steadfast and never ending, that He is faithful, that He is my hope and my portion! What a good, good gift!!!

Health Crises Left & Right!

I guess technically we started 2024 with emergency oral surgery for Aaron! The week of our family "staycation" started with an abscessed tooth and then extraction for Aaron.

He spent most of his only week of vacation all year like this, in quite a bit of pain and then recovering from oral surgery. Disappointment is an understatement! We made the best we could of it and still were able to surprise the kids with an overnight trip to the Great Wolf Lodge (although Aaron couldn't do any of the slides).

Grace took her turn with several visits to the dentist. One side effect of Celiac's is poor teeth. She had to have several baby teeth pulled, either because they had cracked or permanent teeth were growing above them. She isn't a big fan of the dentist, but she was so brave and did such a good job!!

August saw Aaron back for oral surgery on yet another tooth extraction. This one he decided to have an implant put in, so that was a bit more of a process in extracting and putting the post in at the same time. 

I tried to convince him not to text anyone until he was a little less loopy, but he didn't listen. His friends and co-workers were quite entertained! He didn't remember anything he said or did for about 5 hours after surgery.

September showed up with really strange hives and rashes for Jacob, all over his body. We still don't know what caused them but definitely caused some panic when he texted me and said, "My lips and tongue are twice their normal size."!!! They eventually went away, and we still don't really know what caused them, except the possibility that it was from the mold.

And November, exactly 12 years to the day since his last ones, brought Aaron 2 big kidney stones! This time, one in each kidney which will require 2 separate surgeries. He waited for over 3 hours in pre-op before his first surgery. Last time they did lithotripsy, which is an external use of sound waves to break up the stones. This urologist uses an internal laser to break up the stones and remove them. 

It was a much more difficult recovery the first 3 days. The stent between his kidney and bladder caused horribly painful spasms every time he went to the bathroom. They gradually lessened and 3 days later he was, of course, back to work all day!

The long hallway in the cabin makes for a good walking track for the recovering patient! Now he gets to wait another week before they'll remove the stent and then he gets to go through it all again to remove the other kidney stone!

All of this (and to be honest, I'm probably forgetting something!) in the midst of my health problems, Anna's injury at work & her very hard, long recovery, finding all the mold in our house, moving out, and all the regular ups and downs of life without a health crisis left & right!

 

God Can Handle Your Laments

 

Fastforward to chapter 10 of Job (we'll talk about his friends and their "advice" later) and we see that Job is not afraid to let his thoughts be known to God.

I loathe my life; I will give free utterance to my complaint; I will speak of the bitterness of my soul. I will say to God, Do not condemn me; let me know why you contend against me.

Job wanted to know why God was allowing all these disasters to befall him. He earnestly wanted to know what he had done to deserve it all. Job wasn't asking why because he was curious...he wanted to be sure his conscience was clear before God. In all of chapter 10, Job never asks for God to take away his sickness. He simply asks, "Why do You contend with me?" Contend means to treat a person as wicked. Charles Spurgeon suggested a few answers to Job's question (and ours today when we go through trials):

*To show you His power to uphold you

*To develop your graces

*He wants you to enter the fellowship of His sufferings

*To humble you

Job goes on to lay his complaints before God.

Does it seem good to You that You should oppress, that You should despise the work of Your hands?

Really God? You created me & this is how You treat me?!

You know that I am not wicked.

Job knew that God knew that Job was not a wicked man! God even specifically told Satan that Job was an upright and blameless man who feared God and shunned evil! 

Your hands have made me and fashioned me, an intricate unity; yet You would destroy me.

Job felt like God was out to destroy him, understandably so! What Job didn't know is that God put limits on what Satan could take from Job (his life). What is hard to see in the midst of trials and hard times is God's power. When a believer experiences tragedy, trials, or hard times that seem to have no end, humans tend to see God as weak because those "bad" things are happening. Why wouldn't a powerful God put a stop to such awful things?! What we fail to see is the "behind the scenes" of what God very specifically allows. Just as in the case of Job, God is almighty and all-powerful and nothing that happens is outside of His hands. Why do bad things happen to good people? Well, first of all there is no such thing as "good" people. We all have wicked, sinful hearts. Some of us are redeemed by the blood of Christ but our flesh still wars against our spirit and desires to sin. Second of all, when we ask questions like that we are often viewing things with tunnel vision. We are not looking for God's power and might in those times, at least not in the way God intends for us to look. Often we are looking for His power to show in taking the trial away. What we need to look for instead is His power in the hard.

When I think of our life this past 11 months, I see a lot of hard (I haven't even written about the half of it!). But I also see God's hand in mighty and powerful ways, whether that is through friends and family, His word, His peace, doctors and nurses...God didn't choose to take away a lot of the hard for my family this year, but if we purposefully look for His power even in the hard, we will always find it because it is always there. I've also learned that God is okay with me asking "why?" and lamenting to Him, as long as I don't stay in that pit and choose to seek out His truth.

I will ponder all Your work, and meditate on Your mighty deeds. Psalm 145:11

Praise Him for His mighty deeds; praise Him according to His excellent greatness! Psalm 150:2

For you, O Lord, have made me glad by Your work; at the works of Your hands I sing for joy.

 Psalm 92:4

Why Do the Righteous Suffer?

 I mentioned I've been reading Job lately. I have, of course, read the book of Job before but I've never actually studied it. It is a very interesting book! According to some, it is the oldest book in the Bible, most likely written before 1500 B.C. Grandma's Bible notes that there is no mention of the laws which Exodus 19 and 20 tell us God gave to Moses, while Ezekiel refers to Job as a real person in chapter 14 and James mentions Job's patience in chapter 5. So, I don't think there is any disputing that Job was a real man.

The big question Job has, really, is "Why do the righteous suffer and the wicked prosper?" Job's three friends are ready and willing to share their answers to that question, but they all miss the mark (some by a mile). In the end, the answer is simply, "God is God." God's wisdom is unfathomable, unending, and deeper than we will ever understand this side of Heaven. 

In chapter 1, it is made clear that Job was a righteous man. Verse 1 says, "There was a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job, and that man was blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil." Strong's defines blameless as someone who is undefiled and morally pious, and upright as someone who is straight (think of the phrase "on the straight & narrow") and righteous. Not only was Job of high character, but he was also filthy rich! He had 10 children, all of whom had a close relationship with each other, thousands of sheep and camels, hundreds of donkeys and oxen, and many servants. The end of verse 3 says he was the "greatest of all the people in the east"!

Satan comes slithering into a gathering of the sons of God. The LORD asked Satan where he had come from (as if the all-knowing God didn't know!), and Satan told Him he had been walking around on the earth. Now, my question is why on earth would God point out Job to Satan, saying how righteous he was?! Satan loves nothing more than trying to destroy those who love and serve his greatest enemy. I think God had something to teach Job, even though he was a very righteous man who feared God and turned away from evil. No human on earth will ever be finished learning about the great ways of God, no matter how upright and blameless you are! Anyway, back to conversation between the LORD and Satan. After God points out Job and his high character, Satan smirks and says, "Well of course he's upright...he has everything he could ever want! Why wouldn't he praise You?!" God then gives Satan permission to take all that Job has, except his own life. And boy does Satan take every bit of what God allowed! In one day, Job lost everything he owned and every child he had. And what was Job's response? Verses 21 and 22 of chapter 1 tell us:

Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshipped. And he said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong.

Job worshipped and blessed the name of the LORD! Through all the hardships we have faced (and are still facing), my prayer has been that we will worship the Lord and bless His name. I take every thought captive and turn it to praise. Every time Satan sneaks a lie into my mind, I flip it for the Truth. When Satan says, "Why would a loving God allow this in your life. You have loved and served Him almost your whole life!" I flip it for God's Truth "I am the LORD your God. I will never leave you or forsake you. My ways are higher than your ways."

So why do the righteous suffer? Isn't that the age-old question?! Sometimes, God uses our suffering to glorify His name. Sometimes, God uses our suffering to teach us to more fully depend on Him. Sometimes, we never understand why the righteous suffer. We simply have to believe the Truth of God's Word and trust Him. 

Blessed be the name of the LORD

"The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21

At the end of July, I randomly found a lump in my breast. Terror doesn't begin to describe my feelings upon that discovery. I battled all night, claiming God's Word and praying for peace. And thus began a months' long battle against the modern medical world to get the care I chose and the care my own doctor requested for me. I couldn't even get an appointment with a doctor to exam me without getting a mammogram done first. From my research and looking at the science, I was not comfortable with having one done under any circumstances. I found a place that would do an ultrasound without a doctor's order. The tech was fairly certain the lump was a fibroadenoma. Whew. BUT, still a concern that it could be something else, so the radiologist recommended having an MRI done. I went ahead and scheduled a full body thermogram just to check for any other concerns. That took about 3 weeks to get done. The results came back with serious concern in my other breast, showing a lot of vascularity and inflammation. Radiologist recommended to get an ultrasound on that side, so I did. That ultrasound found 5 suspicious masses. In the meantime, I was able to finally find a doctor that was willing to listen to me as the patient (it's rare). She sent orders for an MRI to an imaging center she uses all the time. They refused to accept her order for only an MRI and said I had to have a mammogram first. Even though upon suspicious mammogram findings the next step is almost always an ultrasound, which I already had. I called dozens of imaging centers and NONE OF THEM would accept the order for an MRI only. The issue was not due to insurance because we were self-pay. It's simply "standard of care" and they refused to fulfill a doctor's orders for imaging. Insanity. During all of this, the Lord blessed me in so many ways through so many people. In my darkest hours, friends and family would send a text or a verse or a song that would be exactly what I needed. The times when despair and fear were overwhelming, someone would send a text with a scripture about God never leaving us, how He's there for those who call out to Him, or a song to get my focus back on Christ alone. One time in particular, Aaron had just prayed over me because the fear was suffocating me, and a friend texted me "Deuteronomy 31:8" That verse? It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. You can't tell me that friend wasn't listening to the Holy Spirit to send that verse at that moment!! So many other examples of that exact thing. Every day, I could count on one friend in particular to send me a verse that spoke to my soul. What an incredible blessing from the Lord to have friends and family like that!!!!!

I saturated my mind with God's Word. I created graphics to keep on my phone to look at when I needed encouragement.

I purposefully looked for beauty around me, especially in the midst of so much hard. God never disappointed! One day out at The Ponderosa, I noticed a lone sunflower growing in the middle of a rock bed. It was a seed dropped from a bird feeder (that Dad miraculously didn't pull! ha), small and a bit crooked, but straining to reach the sun every day. If that wasn't a good reminder to strain for seeing God every day, I don't know what would be!

I continually prayed that no matter came our way with my health, I would give all the glory to God. I prayed to have faith enough to trust Him, no matter the outcome. And I prayed my kids would have the same faith. We told the kids what was going on after my first ultrasound came back mostly positive. That's one thing about homeschooling & being together so much...you can't hide much from the kids! They knew something was up. It was very difficult, and I was pretty sure I knew how each kid would take it. Wise advice a friend (and cancer thriver) gave me was, "Don't believe a story we don't know to be true" meaning-we didn't know for sure that I did have cancer, so let's not believe that to be true and worry about it. But the unknown for so many weeks was very hard on all of us. No one prepares you to guide your child through the possibility of your death. No one prepares you for reading a text that says "Mom, I can't lose you. What would we do without you?" It all drove me to my knees, seeking God's wisdom and peace. It sent me to friends and family, asking for prayers for my kids' hearts, that they would trust God no matter the future. 

I also played worship music almost non-stop-in the house, in the car, on walks...all day long our minds were being soaked with reminders of God's promises, God's truths, & God's sovereignty.

 

I read verses like this over and over again until my mind believed them as much as my heart did, until the fear was quieted and the Truth was loud.

I printed out verses and put them up all over the house.

Daily, and sometimes moment by moment, I had to surrender to Jesus. Let go of any fear and surrender to His plan, whatever that may be.

On our trip to bring Anna home at the beginning of September, I had my first appointment (by phone) with a functional oncologist at Riordan Clinic. I chose Riordan because that was the approach I wanted to take for whatever I was dealing with. They immediately started me on high dose IV vitamin C, which required 4 back-to-back appointments to find my therapeutic dose, Ozone therapy, Mistletoe injections (it has been used for decades in Europe with much success), a host of supplements, and a pretty major diet change, along with a long list of lab work. 

So many supplements! This is just my morning "dose"...I take about this many 4 times a day.

Had to set up a little Mistletoe spot in my bedroom so it would be quick and easy to give myself the injections 3 times a week. Not super fun, but at least I'm not squeamish about needles!! Mistletoe is an immune stimulant, so the goal is to have basically an allergic reaction. Once I stop having a reaction, my dose goes up until I get one again. Repeat for several years!

First week was 3 days, back to back, getting Ozone Therapy (they drew my blood, added ozone, and then put it back in) and finding my therapeutic dose of IVC.

It was such a weird place to be...not knowing if I actually had cancer, seeing so many people getting treatments that did have cancer...very sobering. And also exhausting, mentally and physically.

The therapy center is incredibly comfortable! Heated massage recliners, blankets, books. The nurses are absolutely amazing. So kind and caring. I've never felt like a bother even once! They are top notch!!

I had to find a giant pill organizer for all my supplements. They barely fit!!

During all of this I am still trying to find a place that will honor my own doctor's orders for only an MRI. Finally found a place...Newton Medical Center. Hallelujah! The MRI results were suspicious of malignancy in both breasts (but only one mass was found on the right side instead of the 5 the ultrasound found) and recommended a biopsy. We kept with the treatment plan Riordan's oncologist had me on and waited for a lab results. Those came back surprisingly pretty good. The circulating tumor cells test showed my numbers were in the "normal" range but given that we had no baseline for me, we couldn't definitively say those numbers weren't elevated for me. The only major red flag was that my results for the mycotoxin test came back very high for several molds. The doctor added a prescription anti-fungal and some other supplements and also changed my diet to a low-mold diet. Two years ago, when we remodeled our kitchen and living space, we found mold in our attic. We fixed it, added vents to the roof, and went on with life. With those lab results, I had Aaron check the attic. Sure enough, there was mold allllll over the new wood that had been replaced when we had the roof fixed. So, the ventilation problem was still not fixed evidently. We had a mold remediation company come out and check the house over and they also found massive mold in our crawl space. The mold in the master bathroom seemed to be only surface, not in the walls or from a leak. My doctor strongly encouraged us to move out of the house if we could. By God's gracious timing, we had a place to go. Grandma Mary's house at The Ponderosa had just been sitting empty for all these months. Several precious friends from church came over, helped me pack what we would need for a short time away from home (but that also meant packing up a ton of kitchen stuff and food because Grace's Celiac's is no joke) load it up in several cars, and then unload it and put it away!! What an incredible blessing to not only have a place to go, but one that is so familiar to our kids, that is right by my parents (because my treatments take a lot of time and I had to have someone drive me), and that Anna can have her menagerie of animals! It's not without challenges, especially since it is much smaller than our house, but we have 80 acres to spread out on when the kids get on each other's nerves. Ha! I miss my big kitchen with my huge range and my wood burning stove, but I am so, so thankful to be here. I am already sleeping so much better, which makes me feel better overall!

I've been reading from Grandma's Bible lately. I love seeing what she highlighted and the notes she wrote. I started reading Job because, well...I was feeling a little like Job! Every time we turned around, something was going wrong. It's a good reminder that God is faithful & sovereign and I prayed that I could say, no matter what happened, "Blessed be the name of the Lord"!

I've enjoyed "coffee" time on the back deck with Isaac and Grace. Isaac has discovered the wonderfulness of a homemade latte (with almond milk, of course)!

Grace loves a cup of steamed almond milk. And we love our mug sweaters Aunt Cara made us!

Really can't beat the morning walk views at The Ponderosa. What a blessing to be surrounded by God's beautiful creation during such a challenging time.

Grace loves being able to roam around with her dog Daisy, and yes she wears her pajamas quite often!

It's certainly been an adjustment (feels like we've been adjusting to changing circumstances for an entire year!). The girls and boys each share a bedroom. We really thought we would only be out here for a month at the most, so we only brought the kids' mattresses, their instruments (of course), a few toys, and some clothes. I usually sit beside Grace's bed until she falls asleep, but now her bed is just a mattress on the floor, so I sit in a chair between the girls' mattresses. She holds my big toe as she falls asleep now! There's a lot of uncertainty for our future...not only am I facing serious health issues, but we're also displaced from our home. The kids each are working through the upheaval in their own ways, but we're getting through it! Being able to be at The Ponderosa, where things are so familiar and Papa & Binga are right here, makes the upheaval much easier to work through!!

I had the biopsy, which was probably one of the worst things I've been through (mainly because we didn't know Aaron wouldn't be allowed to go with me, so I had to be alone for it), and waiting for the results felt like it took a year. Two days later, PRAISE GOD both masses are benign!! Every ultrasound image I saw, the masses looked like textbook images of cancerous tumors. Every single one of them. You can't tell me that God didn't miraculously change that to be benign. I had so many people praying for healing. I was just praying for strength to face the battle of healing from cancer! I guess one thing I needed to learn yet was to pray BIG prayers!

One of the challenging things during all of this was juggling fixing meals for my family. Not only was I on a lot of restrictions, but we already have a lot of restrictions with Isaac and Grace's food allergies. Our church has always been the biggest blessing to our family since we've been going there, but during this time...there are no words for how much they have blessed us. Usually, they would set up a meal train and deliver meals and freezer meals. Since that is impossible with all we're dealing with, they collected donations that went toward food for us that a dear, sweet friend (who also has kids with food allergies) then used to make meals for us. Three weeks of meals that I don't have to worry are safe for Grace to eat!!! Three weeks of meals that I can pull out of the freezer on days when I'm too tired from treatments. Three weeks of meals...I just can't even describe what a gift that is!

I still have a road of healing...even though the pathology is benign, it's still abnormal growth which signals things are off. Just getting out of our house has helped. I will continue with the treatment plan my doctor has me on. We will repeat lab work in a few months and see how things are looking. We also have to figure out what to do with our house. It will cost a small fortune just to remediate the mold. Then we have to figure out what is causing it to begin with and fix that, remodel the master bathroom, fix the roof, the list goes on and on. And there's no guarantee that any of those things will make it safe enough for me to live there again. But if I've learned anything this year, it is that God will provide. He will bless us every step of the way...we just have to look for it!

One amazing benefit of Riordan is that I can bring kids along with me to my treatments. There are usually open chairs and it's just a small way we can spend more time together instead of them being left at home all the time while I go to treatments. They usually take turns coming with me. Jacob has come, but he isn't a fan of sitting around needles, so he hangs out with his cousins (he's discovered driving in Wichita isn't horrible)!

Sometimes both girls come with me (I try to schedule Anna's brain therapy on the same days so we're limiting trips to Wichita!), and sometimes we get lucky and the "private room" is open!

He's just as tired as I am ;-) He rarely comes with me, since he's so busy at work & absolutely hates needles!

 God knew exactly what I would need during this time and Aaron has been an incredible support. I couldn't have made it through the last 3 months without him beside me. 

I also couldn't have made it without my parents. They have driven me back and forth, taken care of the kids, helped with school work...good grief, they're giving us a place to live! It's a blessing I'll never be able to repay. We are so thankful for them.